Sensitive Topics 1 – Loss

The other day, I received a call from a friend asking for help in sharing a recent tragic situation with her daughter. In a subsequent conversation, the question arose: "Should I bring up the subject or let her initiate it?"

How many sensitive topics are we not obligated to discuss with our children: divorce, death, sexuality, illnesses, and more. These can be sad or uncomfortable situations, and each person has their own way of dealing with adversity. However, when sharing with a child, the adult not only has to cope with their own pain but also with that of their children, and that's where things get a bit more complicated.

From the moment of birth, humans learn to deal with loss on a daily basis: they lose the protected environment of the womb, the comfort and warmth of breastfeeding, the exclusive attention of their parents, and so on. And when the loss is that of a pet, a relative, or a friend? It might be possible to invent that a dog ran away to avoid saying it died, but the same cannot be done with a grandmother, a sibling, or a friend.

Let's talk then about when sharing is inevitable. There is no explanation that can address all the questions that will arise in a child's mind. Everyone is impacted initially, and the mind doesn't work in compartments like school subjects. When we lose someone, we revisit and "resignify" all previous losses. Recently, a friend told me that when she lost a friend, her son began to question her parents' divorce that had occurred several years earlier.

Divorce is also a loss. Today, it is a part of the reality for a good portion of the child population; however, no matter how amicable the separation, it certainly involves a lot of suffering for everyone involved. This does not mean that they will be less happy than children of married parents. It's just inevitable that life changes, and whenever there are changes, there is grief. The issue doesn't end after the fact is communicated; that's just the beginning. This is when a door opens that should never be closed. It is essential that these topics can resurface whenever necessary.

Some children have more difficulty addressing painful issues, and the idea that it hurts less when we don't talk about it is a myth. Pain only diminishes when it can be shared with loved ones. This is where parental sensitivity comes into play.

The answer to my friend's question is: You don't need to kick down the door, but you can prepare the ground, knock before entering, and open it slowly. Being available is crucial, but sometimes a little nudge is necessary. Talking about your own feelings in an accessible language is a good start. It is very important to pay attention to the reactions of young children in atypical situations because behavior changes, grades may drop, sleep patterns may be disrupted, and so on. These changes do not always happen immediately after the loss. The emotional world does not adhere to chronological time, and an experience from childhood, twenty years later, can feel like it happened just yesterday.

The best way to deal with death is through the affection of those who remain.