Divorce: and they lived happily ever after?

In the past, all fairytale stories ended with: "And they lived happily ever after...". Passion makes partners seem like the embodiment of all expectations. With time, passionate illusions get frustrated, and what remains is who the other person truly is, not what we wish them to be. Some can adapt and stay together. Others can't. When it comes to a childless couple, they can go their separate ways without having to see each other again. But what about when they must share the life of a being forever?

Each story is unique, as is the suffering, but it's extremely important to consider where the child is placed during the separation process. Many don't understand that the romantic couple ceases to exist, but the parental couple remains necessary. Contrary to common belief, separation itself doesn't ruin children's lives. What can leave deep scars is the way it occurs.

The beginning is the most complicated, delicate, and painful moment. Feelings of hurt, anger, and sadness are often bubbling. How not to pass these emotions forward? How not to share with the children the reasons for the separation: who wanted it, who betrayed, who stopped loving? It's certainly not easy, but it might help a bit to think that the reasons, in most cases, pertain to the man as a husband and the woman as a wife, not as a father and mother. Children shouldn't be involved in this husband/wife relationship. They can't be used as a means of attacking the other, as objects of revenge or bargaining. Regardless of custody, they were created by both parents and have the right to have both without having to choose. What becomes harmful is the tug of war; the conflict.

Telling the child that everything will be the same, and that the parents will only live in different houses, is not true either. This is often said with the best intentions at heart, an attempt to soften the situation. But it doesn't remain the same. The child has known “a couple” where individual characteristics blend in a way that some are eased by the other, some are covered up, and some are accentuated. When parents separate, the child must deal with them one at a time, with the absence of the other and with longing. Gradually, there is adaptation, but it's important for the child to have space to express missing how things were before, without the parents interpreting it as a demand to go back.

Another important aspect concerns whether to show suffering to the children. It's common to think that it should be hidden because showing it will make them suffer more. The truth is, it's very odd for anyone, including children, to experience losses without suffering. It doesn't mean lying in bed for days, crying copiously without doing anything. But letting the children see that you're sad creates room for them to talk about their own sadness. Most parents feel responsible for this sadness, making it unbearable to touch the subject. However, the truth is that any decision made by the parents will impact the children's lives. Staying in a marriage where there's no longer love, affection, or sometimes even respect will also impact their future choices of partners and their understanding of romantic relationships.

Deciding what's best for the children as a couple is complicated, and after separation, it's certainly not easy. The effort to maintain good communication between parents is essential for a harmonious coexistence. Your child will undoubtedly benefit from having both parents close, even if they don't live in the same house.